Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
