i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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