Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
