The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
