You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
