he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
