Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
