Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
