Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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