HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
