How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize