relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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