I cannot find my penis.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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