So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
