youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
