Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
