I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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