all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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