none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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