there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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