So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
