one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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