I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
