Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
