I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
