Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
