Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
