I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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