it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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