Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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