He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
