I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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