I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
