Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
