I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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