I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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