We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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