did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he thought i was a dude.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
