Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
