Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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