I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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