She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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