I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
