The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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