If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
