I was born with a shot glass in my hand
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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