i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
