She went from zero to smokin in five shots
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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