Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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