I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
