I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
