I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You took a bar mat shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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