Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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