Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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